Has it happened sometime with you that you wanted things to be in a certain way but despite communicating your needs, you got nothing in return? You feel worse because you told the other person what you wanted and their not complying makes you feel uncared for. You might even feel that it was better when you said nothing, as that way you could live with the myth that they would change if only they knew your views.
As children we had plenty of people telling us what is right and what is wrong with us. We were asked to work on our behaviour and were reprimanded if we didn’t. What happens to this once we grow up? Now that we have complete autonomy we don’t really need to put up with any feedback. Sooner or later, there is no one who can point out anything about us. In other words, we can not be challenged ….and we like it that way!
Most people think that the will to survive is the strongest instinct in human beings, but it isn’t. The strongest instinct is to keep things familiar.
-Virginia Satir, Family Therapist
I sometimes wonder what is required for lasting change. Consider the number of self-help messages, books, videos and seminars that bombard our social network. These positive messages show up on a daily basis. It feels good to read for a while but shortly after, the effect is gone.
The first thing I learnt as a student of counselling is that feelings are real. Somehow, I seem to have missed a simple point like that all along. Like everyone else, I always thought that there was a certain way I should feel and another way I shouldn’t.